People who struggle with emotional and behavioural problems usually ask for help because they don’t know what to do. They are likely to feel ambivalent about change as it usually involves doing and thinking differently, which can be hard work. You may be interested to know that depending on your level of readiness for positive change, you are more likely to move forward towards resolving your problem or stay where you are. Iso Kim Berg, one of the founders of Solution Focussed Therapy details 3 types of client-therapist relationships: a visitor, a complainant and a customer. I added a new one to the list: a denier.
A visitor
If you are a visitor, you agree to meet to ‘see what happens’, but you are not sure you want to change or that there is something to change. You may be curious and hope that by exploring things with someone who is not your family or friend, you may (possibly, though unlikely) get somewhere. You can be at this stage because you have been “sent” by someone else, whether this is your partner, the court or someone else.
A complainant
If you are a complainant, you know you have a problem but can’t see a solution. You have told your issues to many people and yourself, but things are not improving. Your complaint is usually about unfairness. The world is unfair, people are unfair and, in general, life is unfair to you. Everything would be fine if others did what they were supposed to do. Complaining about your situation gives you temporary relief, as it is up to others to make things work for you. Still, you know, deep inside, this mindset is not getting you anywhere.
A denier
If you are a denier, even as you are struggling and many others point it out, you choose to ignore it. Denying you have a problem offers a temporary solution as you don’t have to face the hard work of changing now. Some people may deny a problem because of secondary gains, i.e. an external motivator for staying with a problem as it brings some benefits.
A customer
If you are a customer, you might have an idea of your problem and why you feel this way. You may feel fed up with your situation and don’t want to waste more time complaining about that and ‘going in circles’. You know that positive change is hard work, and you are ready to take action now, no matter how difficult it might be.
So there it is. As you consider your options to get help, you may be one type of client or another or in the middle of two.
The good news is that no matter how you feel about reaching out, if you choose a good helper, they will know how to support you to move forward to achieve what you want.
